History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.