what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Buck naked
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.