Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Hero horse inspires millions
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!