therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.