BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
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Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
$3 #books
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I get distracted pretty eas
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”