I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”