If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
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“HELP WITH CAT”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
☠️☠️☠️
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My whole life was a lie.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*