If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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water it, i dare you
Just a reminder, folks:
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*