Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
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Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
There is no “we” in pizza
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Can’t. Being lazy.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.