At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
“Wait, let me explain..”