Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
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I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
U talkin 2 me?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.