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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet