You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
You Might Also Like
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.