If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?