Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
This meeting could have been a cake
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.