Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again