9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
when you order from DoorDastardly
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.