@KalvinMacleod

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

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@Darlainky

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

@PhilJamesson

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

@ArfMeasures

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

@3sunzzz

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

@clichedout

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

@TheHyyyype

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

@peterjames48

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

@druuuck

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

@radtoria

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”