Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.