Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
You Might Also Like
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.