Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Terribly Tuesday.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂