I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I found your tweet-up…
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d