*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks