If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car