Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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I’d walk over cotton balls for you
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
kids play hide and seek like
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time