So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
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Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Eat…
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.