You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I feel like one of these would kill a European
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.