mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent