It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”