“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.