Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Mission: Impossible
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
🙄😏😂🤣
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
They’re on their honeymoon
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.