I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I think this cat is broken
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Guy who likes music
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock