bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
You Might Also Like
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
how to market bottled water to dads
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit