[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird