Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?