Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys![]()
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Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.