Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
You Might Also Like
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.