They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.