I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye