mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”