If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
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Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?