@954LeenO I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
@NickBossRoss If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
You Might Also Like
@954LeenO 
@Paige__xxx [ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
@WetMascara No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
@FinallyHeSleeps Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
@squirrel74wkgn I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
@spikeWilton67 Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
@GingerHotDish I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
@GinAndJif My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
@SadMeterologist My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
@RodLacroix Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.