If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.