If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

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Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times


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Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.


Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.


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Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.


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Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.


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Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.