If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
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[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
This one never gets the credit it deserves
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang