@NickBossRoss

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

You Might Also Like

@954LeenO

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

@WetMascara

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@spikeWilton67

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

@GinAndJif

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

@SadMeterologist

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

@RodLacroix

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.