Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me :
All Day At Night
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough