My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
You Might Also Like
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Respect
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up