Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.