Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff