Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
You Might Also Like
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.