“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
i smell a pulitzer
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?