What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?