We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
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If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
broke down and did it
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Ion see the issue
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…