I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
lol
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No