Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Breaking news:
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down