DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
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STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.